He Was Taught To Be Brave, She Was Taught To Be Perfect.

As a coach, people tell me things they wouldn’t say aloud in polite company. This is what I'm hearing right now among leaders:

She's deeply disturbed by the man beside her who name-drops his projects or clients in meetings like glitter at a 5 year old's birthday party. To be clear - I mean liberally, excessively.

(The boasting screams maverick unfounded superiority)

And he's frustrated that she's undercooked, because she seems to have the job title but he's not heard brilliance to match. 

(The humility implies a lack of leadership and level of self belief that breeds doubt in others)

I feel your irritation. Truly. I’ve sat in that frustration with hundreds of clients - on both sides of the table. And if this was a wine glass in front of me, not tea, and our second course had just hit the table, I’d be wildly empathetic...

But that’s not going to help you beyond the short-term warmth of validation.

So let’s do something that will help you. Curiosity. You ready?

Why does he do it?

He was taught to be brave.

Why does she do it? She was taught to be perfect.

Regardless of your gender preferences, gender conditioning impacts our communication - and that follows to reputation.

If this is raising your blood temp, let me ask you a question:

The level of frustration you feel about this behaviour you’ve just described - what does that say about yours?

Because if they’re at one end of a spectrum… are you at the opposite? 

Or are you uncomfortably close and it’s self-disgust that’s rising?

Its important to see this for what it is. This is a visibility tension, not a personality clash. Some people over-talk when they’re scared. Some go invisible. These are fear responses. Neither is wrong. But neither helps you lead.

Check Your Conditioning

Gendered conditioning is real - and invisible until you look for it. You weren’t taught this at school.

And while not all women speak one way and men another, we all carry socialised patterns that shaped our voice.

This is a gender-dynamics conversation, not a gender put-down. There are as many men frustrated about being labelled “toxic” for speaking up as there are women exhausted from being overlooked for staying quiet.

The way we communicate deserves a closer look.

⚡ 2-Minute Game Changer for Balance

We’ve all been shaped by what we were taught to value. He was taught to be brave. She was taught to be perfect.

Neither is wrong - until it stops working!

So try this: Take two minutes and get curious. No judgement, no fixing. Just curiosity.

Ask yourself:

• Where does my brave become abrasive?

• Where does my perfection slip into silence?

• Is my current approach still serving me - or has the context changed?

• If it’s not working, am I willing to adjust?

• And if I’m not, how can I adjust the result instead, while staying true to who I am?

That’s balance. It’s not loud vs quiet or confident vs humble- it’s about being conscious. Having the emotional and business intelligence to be able to adapt.

Curiosity is how you make the leap. Curisoty turns frustration into data. And data, in leadership, is leverage.

🎯 Ready to go deeper?

The masculine / feminine dynamic is one of the eight levers of The Balance Wheel we use to decode balance performance patterns.

When you understand your natural energy - whether you lead with action and drive, or with reflection and empathy - you can choose which to lean into, when, and how. That awareness isn’t about changing who you are. It’s about amplifying the strength that’s already there, without burning out trying to be someone else.

Balance is how you access both sides on demand: grounded and assertive, driven and discerning. That’s performance intelligence, not soft skills.

Here’s where to start:

• For yourself: The Balance Project Hub helps you uncover your patterns, strengthen your energy intelligence, and build daily habits that sharpen focus and sustain your edge.

• For your team: Bring The Balance Project to scale - blending analytics, coaching, and lived learning to make high performance human again.

• For your culture: Because the future of performance isn’t harder or softer, it’s smarter.

Balance isn’t the antidote to ambition. It’s the infrastructure that makes ambition sustainable.

About Catherine Nolan & The Workload Rebellion Catherine Nolan is a multi-award-winning executive coach and 4× bestselling author on courage and leadership. She leads The Workload Rebellion, a team of culture & performance experts helping ambitious leaders and broader workforces put down the mental load and pick up the pace.

Working with Fortune 100s, government, and academia, they turn balance into a performance advantage - building cultures of clarity, energy, and impact.